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By Rabbi Judy Epstein Statistics show that nearly half of all Jews intermarry. The intermarrying couple is faced with a myriad of issues. The first of these issues revolves around the wedding ceremony itself. Who shall officiate? Where will the ceremony be held? Whose needs come first, the desire of the couple, or the sensitivities of the parents? The way couples answer these questions will serve as a microcosm of their decision making process. It will serve as a barometer for such decisions as how will the children will be raised and which holidays will be celebrated in the home. One of the first choices a couple faces is deciding who will perform the ceremony. The couple must decide on either a secular or religious ceremony. If a Justice of the Peace is chosen, the couple, in effect, delays discussion of key interfaith issues they will face as a family. In doing so, they loose an opportunity to explore how they will negotiate the ins and outs of their new family life. If, instead, the couple chooses to be married by a rabbi, minister, priest, or a combination of clergy, then the couple utilizes the occasion of the wedding ceremony to begin the all-important negotiation process. Most Christian clergy are agreeable to officiating at a wedding between a Jew and a Christian. Finding rabbis who will participate is more difficult. There is a burgeoning group of rabbis who specialize in this area, but the vast majority of pulpit rabbis will not agree to officiate at interfaith weddings. When looking for a rabbi to officiate at your interfaith wedding, the Internet is a good place to start. Be sure to check out references and even speak to couples who have been married by this rabbi. Beware of rabbis that request payment before even meeting you, or who charge exorbitant rates. Rabbis specializing in interfaith weddings generally do not have large pulpits. Therefore, much of their income derives from these weddings and the counseling that accompanies them. Fees vary in different parts of the country, but a couple can expect to pay anywhere from $850 - $1500 for a wedding that does not involve overnight travel. Fees are higher if more travel is necessary. Most interfaith ceremonies are held in wedding halls or other neutral places. Some rabbis are willing to officiate in a church, but this is often a problem for the family of the Jewish partner. The Catholic Church understands that Jews are reluctant to marry in the church and they will give the Catholic partner a dispensation to be married outside of the church. Often, when making decisions as to where the wedding will be held and who will officiate, a conflict occurs between the wishes of the parents and the desires of the couple. I have seen many a Jewish groom exasperated from the impossible task of pleasing both his bride, who always dreamed of getting married in a church, and his parents, who refuse to attend a church wedding. In cases where a conflict looms between the parents and the couple, I first try to determine if the problem is, in actuality, an inter-generational one. If, for example, a bride has tears in her eyes explaining that she came to see me only to please her parents, I refuse to take this at face value. With a little prodding I often find that the bride, herself, is just beginning to realize the importance of her traditions. She is thinking of her new home and family, and she wants Judaism to be a part of it. I believe that clergy play an important role in helping couples to differentiate between their parents’ desires, and their own burgeoning values. Once this information is established, the question of where and how the wedding will be officiated becomes clearer. |